Burnout.
This is the word I’ve been searching for to describe how I have been increasingly feeling.
Burned out.
Over the last 12 months, there has been an increasing dissatisfaction and disillusionment with my 9-5 job. Sure, there’ve been plenty of instances over my 35+ year career where I’ve “had enough” of the bullshit (as according to Andrew 😊). We all have these moments. They are point in time, they pass, we get over it and we move on.
What I have been experiencing of late is something different though. It feels different. The symptoms aren’t fleeting.
I look forward to the weekends and dread Mondays, more than I ever have.
Everything with work feels repetitive and pointless.
We recently purchased a new caravan. We’ve had a caravan since 2010 but we’ve "outgrown" that one now that our boys no longer come along. So we thought we’d treat ourselves to a bit of luxury and we upsized (ie. Queen size bed, toilet and shower).
This should be a happy time, with plans afoot for the next lot of trips.
We have one planned, but all I can think about is coming back to the job, and the feelings associated with it.
I enjoy watching YouTube. In my YT travels, looking for resources on how to best use Obsidian purposefully and intentionally (to better capture and create notes), I stumbled across a creator named Wanderloots who has produced some informative videos on his journey with Obsidian. What I also quickly discovered, more importantly, is that he has a newsletter on recalibrating oneself…and starting again.
And he’s not simply giving it lip service. He is living the process, having quit the corporate life as an IP lawyer and patent agent, to follow a more intentional and creative path.
As I started reading the early issues of his newsletter, Recalibrating, my own situation crystallised for me. Recounting the beginnings of his own process of recalibrating, the feelings and emotions he exhibited were all relatable.
This is what I was feeling.
There have been many instances where I’ve tried to do more than just “phone it in”, tried to push through and get over the “slump”. But I quickly realised that it's more than that.
I’ve been with this company for almost 18 years now. Initially, I thought that what the role has become has shifted from when I started. But it hasn’t. It has the same responsibilities and demands that it did when I accepted this expanded role 8 years ago.
Maybe the expectations of me have changed? I can confidently say that I have very similar deliverables, to the business, that I did early on. Scale has changed, sure. We’re bigger now than we were 8 years ago. But the deliverables are constant.
The change in this role is me. I’ve changed.
Grown. Moved on, perhaps?
And how could I possibly ever plan for that?
It has tilted me off axis. It seems I want and need more than the repetitive nature of this corporate life (quarter after quarter, from one financial year to the next, where only the number changes, staff goal-setting and performance reviews, blah, blah, blah).
Even if my mind had yet to grasp it, my body has been telling me that it needs more. It deserves more.
I should have realised this sooner. When I tried talking to family and friends about how I was feeling, I kept referring to it as Groundhog Day. A day that repeats. Over and over. This is exactly how it’s been feeling for me.
Now that it has a name, I need to learn more about it. I need to learn how others have tackled it and come out the other end. This is why Wanderloots’ journey is now so interesting to me.
And I don’t expect the solution to this is to take a holiday. I’ve had plenty of those, even as I’ve been feeling this way, yet it’s all still there upon my return. No, a holiday isn’t the answer.
It is clear now that my priorities have changed. What I’m looking for has changed. What I need has changed.
I am 56 years old, in my last 10 years of meaningful employment - far shorter, if I have my way. But things need to change. And I need to make the changes.
I do not want to spend these years the same way I spent the last 10. I cannot. I will not.
The local football team that I support had a defining game many years ago when they drew the line at what they were prepared to accept internally…and from opposition teams. The bullying. The disrespect. They drew a line in the sand that day and have been far better for it in the decades since.
This is my line in the sand moment.
I need a recalibration. I owe it to the next phase of my life.
Until next time.
P.S. Wanderloots' latest newsletter is right here on Paragraph.
